She shut her five years up within the house.
And towards the noon she lifted up her eyes,
Looked to the gentle hills with a stirred heart,
Moved with the mystery of unknown places
Near to a long-known home; smiled, as she could,
A difficult smile that hurt half of her mouth,
Until she passed the streets and all sharp looks.
“Sharp looks, and since I was a child, sharp looks!
These know not, certainly, who scan me so,
That not a girl of all their brightest girls
Has such an eager heart for smiles as I.
It is no doubt the fault of my cold face
And reticent eyes that never make appeal,
Or plead for the small pale bewildered soul.
If they but knew what a poor child I am!
—Oh, born of all the past, what a poor child!
I could waste golden days and showers of words,
And laugh for nothing, and read my poets again,
And tend a voice I had, songless for ever;—
76I would not if I might. I would not cease,
No if I might, the penance and the pain
For that lost soul down somewhere in the past,
That soul of mine that did and knew such things
If I could choose; and yet I wish, I wish,
Such little wishes, and so longingly.
Who would believe me, knowing what I am?
“Now from these noontide hills my home, my time,
My life for years lies underneath mine eyes,
And all the years that led up to these years.
I can judge now, and not the world for me.
And I, being what I am, and having done
What I have done, look back upon my youth
—Before my crime, I mean,—and testify:
It was not happy, no, it was not white,
It was not innocent, no, the young fair time.
The people and the years passed in my glass;
And all the insincerity of my thoughts
I laid upon the pure and simple Nature
(Now all the hills and fields are free of me),
Smiling at my elaborate sigh the smile
Of any Greek composing sunny gods.
77And now begins my one true white child-time,
This time of desolate altars and all ruins.
For Pan is dead and the altars are in ruins.
“The world is full of endings for me, I find,
Emotions lost, and words and thoughts forgotten.
Yet amid all these last things, there is one,
But one Beginning, a seed within my soul.
Come quickly! and go by quickly, O my years!
Strip me of things and thoughts; as I have seen
The ilex changing leaves; for day by day
A little innocent life grows in my life,
A little ignorant life i’ the world-worn life;
And I become a child with a world to learn,
Timorous, with another world to learn,
Timorous, younger, whiter towards my death.”
She turned to the strange sea that five long years
Had sent her letters of his misty winds,
Bearing a cry of storms in other lands,
And songs of mariners singing over seas;
And having long conjectured of his face,
Seeing his face, paused, thinking of the past.
78Down the hills came she to the town and sea,
And met her child’s friend where he waited her.
She swayed to his words unsaid, as the green canes
Murmur i’ the quiet unto a wind that comes:
“I sent for you, mind, for your sake alone.
—No, my dear ward is well. But it has chanced
(I know it’s a hard thing for you to bear,
But you are strong, I know) that he has learnt
What I had faithfully kept,—your life, your past,
Your secret. Well, we hope that you repent,
At least, your son and I.”
“God bless my son,
My little son hopes I repent at least.”
“When he had read the papers—by mischance—
I would have kept them from him, broken down,
Beside myself at first, though the young heart
Recovered and is calm now, he resolved
On the completest parting; for he thinks
He could not live under one sky with you.
But being unwilling to disturb you now
And vex you in your harmless life, gives up
79His hopes in England, his career, and sails
To-night to make a new life in the States.
As to the question of your seeing him
(He is in the town here), I persuaded him
To let you choose, this being probably
The last time in this world. It rests with you.”
“I pray you, as we pray morning and night,
Save me from the sick eyes of my one child;
But let me see my one child once. Amen.
“I never came across the hills before
In all these years; now all these years are done.
Who would have said it, yesterday at this hour?
Now my son knows, and I have crossed the hills,
And sure my poor face faces other things.
Not back! not home! anything, anything,
Anything—no, don’t turn, I am very calm.
Not back the way I came to-day, not home.
Oh, anything but home and a long life.”
“Am I the arbiter? Besides, what fate
Can you desire more merciful than home
80And hidden life? And then remember him.
You have borne the separation as it seems
With the most perfect patience. And your life
Ending (as to the world), owes this at least—
It is not much—to his bright beginning life,
Absence and perfect silence till you die.
I’ve done my duty, as I think, to both.
If you seemed in the least to ask for pity
I well could pity you. I hope that time
Will bring you a softer heart. Good-bye.”